ticktock

I can’t remember time when I didnt want to be a mom.  Growing up I had a plethora of dolls and I have saved many of them, waiting with joyful anticipation for when I could share them with my daughter. Before I knew about the birds and bees, I thought God decided when you had a baby.   As I got older, I made a list of my favorite names, which of course has changed over the years.  Boyfriends have come and gone..ticktock..a husband came and went…ticktock..(in fairness I left, not him)  another boyfriend who promised me the whole white picket fence dream and then emotionally broke it down over 2 years came and went..ticktock…suddenly I was 30, single and no serious relationship on the horizon..ticktock…I played with the idea of going to a sperm bank but told myself I still had time.  And did  I really want to be a single working mom? No.  35 came and went ..shortly after turning 38 I met my now husband- or reconnected I should say- he was a friend of an idiot I dated 20 yrs ago. We had stayed in touch on and off over the years and he found me again on facebook.  Hes always wanted to be a dad- he’d be a great dad- and I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  Hes 45 and now I’m 40.  And we’re trying.  Im off all meds- taking only prenantal vitamins.  Trying to eat healthy- no artifical sweetners, very little soda, organic milk etc… And in novemeber, one month after our wedding, I was pregnant.  3 days after those 2 lines showed, after I made my first 2 obgyn appts and told my boss (I’m a probation officer-someone at work needed to know) I woke up to severe cramping..tried to walk around and then the bleeding began.  After 2 trips to the dr I was told I was no longer pregnant.  It was hard to take.  Even though there was never a heartbeat, never a kick, it was still a great loss.  My husbands family was very supportive- his sister called me every day.  My family…they still have not called.  My brothers wife text me once and messenged me on FB ‘how are you?’  But they have never called.  It hurts every day.

Last week we were hit with more great news- I went to the gyn for a re-pap.  I have been plagued with ‘bad’ results on and off over the years- suffered thru a cyro,colpos and several biopsies-.  My new gyn (my old gyn office was less than sympathetic during my miscarriage) says my cervix is stenotic, most likely due to scar tissue, and could cause fertility issues.  If my results come back inconclusive, theres a ‘fun’ lil procedure she want to do to check things out..and often this clears things out and women get pregnant shortly after…and bc I’m 40, we dont want to wait..ticktock

The next day my husband went to the dr for the first time in YEARS…and his bp is 186/120.  The dr immediatly puts him on medication and low sodium diet with a follow up in 2 weeks.  So now I’m scared to even get mad at him when he leaves his dishes in the sink much less talk about anything serious. Today my dr calls, my test results came back with low grade changes, so its another colpo for me.  I cried all the way to work.  Why should I do this again?  Possibly create more scar tissue.s. it brings up all the bad memories, all the bad choices I made… which has put me here…with the possibility of never having a child…not being able to give my husband that gift..its heartwrenching