you or me

I don’t know what, if anything, is wrong with me but we are pretty sure the problem is not my husbands.   After 5 mos of accupuncture, vitamins, walking, charting, ovulation tests etc still no luck.  We can’t afford for my husband to be tested- thanks to his ex-wife’s fake pregnancy and subsuquent miscarriage- so I bought an at home fertility test.  I thought it would give me peace of mind, help us move forward and know what direction to go in.  Then, while waiting on the results, it struck me… its me or him…one of us ‘isn’t working’ right.  What outcome do I want? Me?  Him? Both options suck. If its him, will I blame him? Will I be angry?  I don’t want to, I know its not his fault. If its him, do I celebrate bc its not me? If its me….well it’s me.  Test says hes got plenty of swimmers.  I should be happy. Right? Another thing checked off the list.  It just sent me spiraling back down the rabbit hole (which I teeter on the edge of on a daily basis). The pinball wizard of Losertown has been resurrected in my head…. please give me strength to get thru this joyride of selfhate