Stabbystabby

Looks like there is no sleeping in this weekend.  Woke up early, as usual when DH feeds the furbabies but back to sleep I went, thinking I could get in a few more hours before church.  Oh think again.  The littlest furs decided to have play time- right next to the bed.   So I kick them out and shut the door.  Ahhh sleep….except the Snore Monster from Hell has once again taken hold of DH’s body.  Seriously??!!!  If I can’t have kids(literally) I should be allowed the peace of sleeping in.  Maybe its God’s way of making sure I’m up and getting ready to repent for my stabby stabby ways these past few weeks.  It’s not me, God- its the Femara, The Menopur, The Needles, The Stress, The Sadness…. ok maybe its a little me but those things bring the stabby stabby to the next level.

Yes stabby stabby is escalating.  Entering into the 14th month of living in the Land Of The Barren.  Not as long as many, I know. But any and every month suck for all. And in those 14 mos, over 10 people I know have announced babies soon to be (this does not includes the crackheads I deal with on a daily basis- they bring a whole other depth to this unfair depressing disease). At least 3 of those 10  I heard say (before babies) they never wanted kids.  Some weren’t even trying. Some aren’t even married.  2 were trying- they are unwilling passengers in the same boat I travel in.  One was hugely successful on her first round of IVF- twins!  So lucky.  Do I hate her? No!  She is fun, sharp witted and after her many hardships she has overcome in life, she deserves this happiness. Am I jealous? Hell to the Yeah! But I’m ok with that.  One was not.  Which perhaps is another reason for increased stabbystabby- I was so hopeful for her- so happy when she got her BFP!  She and her husband have been trying for so long and been thru so much heartbreak.  Her family and huge group of friends have been so supportive and pulling for her…it was time! She was PG- maybe I had hope too!!  But last week that went away- just disappeared.  We were in the Dr’s office at the same time..she left before we did.  When I got in the car, I hit my head somehow- it really didn’t hurt that much but enough that stabbystabby unleashed and I cursed and cried, under the guise of bumped head. 

I find it hard not to be stabbystabby when I have always said I wanted kids, I waited to be married to start a family, I have been trying (just look at my quickly depleting bank account)- charting, timed BD(ohsohot), specialists, acupuncture,therapy, organic foods, supplements, …analyzing every detail, going over all the possibilities – its exhausting.  All the while others are popping ’em out like it’s no big deal whether they wanted them or not- and sometimes its their 2nd, 3rd, 4th rodeo ride.  Time to get off the horse, missy!!

Before I go try my last option- alcohol and some form of illegal substance- (just kidding…maybe) I’m off to church.  Hopefully that will calm the stabbystabby, at least for the afternoon.

My friend

I have a wonderful friend- who until today I’d never met in person.  I know her thru her blog and then FB.  Over the past few months we have texted and im’d several times a week- just to check in, see how the other is doing.  Yes, she is a fellow IF.  She has been struggling with it longer than I and has done several rounds of IVF/FET, which I haven’t.  She has been a great comfort to me.. she understands my angry humor or at least hasn’t shunned me because of it.  It is hard to find someone who understands and always listens, even a quick ohmygodineedtovent text while at work.  She is that person.  There are times when I think I must drive her crazy…I know she has given me more support than I have been able to give her. Support and understanding I will be forever grateful for.

Early on, we found out that we live within 30 mins of each other.  We even go to the same RE.  We have mourned the loss of our beloved Nurse Rainbows (she left the practice to be a stay at home mom) and complain about one certain person who works there (not the Dr)  But we have never met. Until today. 

We both had appointments scheduled this morning- 45 mins apart. They were there for an ultrasound- she had had a transfer a few weeks before and a BFP was the outcome!  Bloodwork showed rising levels so this was their next step.  Very exciting…and scary. We were there for another IUI.  Chances were slim she would still be there when we  arrived.  But as luck would have it, the office was slammed and she and her husband were still there.  The greeting was quick, we had to check in- there were others in front of us and once we could sit down, there weren’t even two chairs together.  Shortly after, they were called back.  She stood up, I smiled, and she pulled something out of her purse-” I have something for you” she said “in case you’re not still here when we get out” and handed me a magenta friendship bracelet.  (Magneta is the color for IF)  It was one the daughter of a friend of hers had made for her.  Awwww…I love it. After they went to the back, I moved to her chair. My husband looked at me quizzically.  I said “Shes pregnant- I’m taking in her baby dust”  The woman sitting next to my husband smiled. Our wait began. I tried to read my nook but concentration was not with me.  I tried to watch the tv but could not hear it very well- too much going on around me.  I looked up from my phone (yes addicted, thank you) at one point- maybe noise alerted me- to see my friend and her husband making a quick exit.  I looked at my husband and whispered ‘Was she crying?’ He nodded. My heart sank. I wanted to jump up and chase after her.  Give her a hug. Say I’m sorry- although I don’t think words can do much at that moment. Something, anything to help. But I did not want to invade their space- I don’t know her well enough to know if that would have been welcomed.  Instead I sat there and cried a little.  While waiting in the room,my husband and I talked more openly about her. He noted how tall she was- yes..and I am so short…we’ve joked that if we ever hung, we’d be very “Mutt and Jeff”  She is also very pretty. Her FB pictures don’t do her justice. 

This is a tribute to my friend.  A thank you for always listening.  A pledge that I will always be here to hear and listen to you. Many (cyber) hugs are being sent to you and your husband on this most difficult of days.  I pray that our futures are full of baby bottles,diapers, spitups and late nights that will consume our conversations and make us forget this pain!

Just one day

For just day I would like to not hear any pregnancy announcements, updates and shower news. I would like to not be inserted with anything- needles, speculum, catheter, ultrasound wand, suppositories and yes, my husband (sorry honey) I would like to not see any strollers, car seats, momies to be walking groups, baby food commercials- heck anything baby related commercial- (The only baby commercial that doesn’t make me want to cry, scream, tear my hair out is the E-trade baby) ultrasounds pictures, shower invitations, pink or blue bows on mailboxes of people I don’t even know. (and yes there are irrational moments where I wish I had a baseball bat for those mailboxes)

Is this a bit much? Perhaps. Do I need therapy? In it. But its how I feel right now. Back to back celeb baby news this morning has set me off (Seriously Maya Rudolph? Baby #4???) I know its not an intentional NA NA look what I can do, while you sit there all barren like. But damn if it doesn’t feel that way. But I guess someone has to make up for what we infertiles can’t contribute.

Have babies and pregnant women always been everywhere? I don’t remember seeing them every 5 seconds before. There are days, today being one them, where I wish I lived in a barren town- no kids, just adults, having adult conversations that don’t involve anything child related. Nothing to remind me of what my body can’t do.

I mean seriously, who wants to live their whole life for their kids? Bragging about their first steps, first words, first pair of REAL shoes, first day of school, the lead role they got in the school play or that last minute goal that won the game? Who wants to sit up at night worried when they are out in the car, alone, for the first time? Or at the first co-ed party? Or on a date? Who wants to worry about how the hell to pay for college? Or worry once they are at college? Or once they are out of college? And how to pay for a wedding? Didn’t you just finish paying off your own?! Who wants that first moment when they hand you their first child- your grandchild? A whole new mess of things to worry about. Thats a whole lot of stuff to be caught up in..who wants that??

I do.

Hiccups

Several of the IF blogs I follow have posts about how plans have gone awry.  I guess its my turn for the hiccup.  You would think with all the medical advancements, all the drugs we infertiles take, the weekly appointments, the temping, the charting,the testing- our bodies should be under control..medically speaking.  But no- hiccups happen.  Best laid plans…HA! 

I’m on CD11- scheduled for U/S tomorrow am to see how the follies are doing and to schedule our IUI (again)   This afternoon I tested for LH surge- just to check- really expected nothing- its only CD11.  I don’t usually have surge till CD12.  But not this cycle- big fat smiley face staring up at me.  Whats the big deal?  Well, its Sunday!!  In the afternoon!!  No one is in the office at this hour and no # to call on the voicemail.
I leave messages on both#s and email my RE…but will he check it?  PANIC!!  We don’t have any of necessary items needed at home for collection. (DH does not do well at the office)  Should my husband give me the trigger shot?  Do I take the last dose of menopur?  PANIC!!  I text a friend who sees the same RE and she advised to call the hospital and ask for whoever is on call for his department. Smart woman!  Panic would not have let me figure that out.  I do..they take message..his partner calls me within 30mins.  I’m a little annoyed that I have to go thru details- shouldn’t she know who I am? Didn’t she look up my info before calling? Yes, I’m a wee self involved at the moment.  All I can see is all the money we spent, yet again, being flushed away because my body isn’t working on the right calendar.  She tells me not to do trigger shot, yes to the menopur.  Call in the morning to set up appointment in the main office- they will do an U/S first to measure the follies, then IUI will be after.  My poor DH is going to have to do “the deed” at the office (main office is a good 40min drive and we don’t have the overnight solution that has been so helpful in the past) PANIC!!  She says I can go in the room with him- whatever he needs to be comfortable..um…joy? 

I won’t know till tomorrow- after I’m at work- as to what time this will occur.  Some articles I’ve read say IUI should be at least 22 hours after the surge(so that would be 1pm for me)..so what if they schedule it for the morning? Will that be too soon? PANIC!!  Now I wonder if my previous ones have been poorly timed.  One U/S a few months ago, he scheduled the IUI for a few days after- would have been CD16. I mentioned that may be too late- I always, always have lh surge cd12/13.. he advised me to monitor and call if something changed before procedure. Sure enough…hello LH.  I called, he set up IUI for the next day.  But that time he said TO take the trigger shot. ????? 

I hate hiccups..as a baby I got them very easily and it took hours for them to go away.  My mom would ask people to please not make the baby laugh.  I guess I shouldn’t have laughed today!!

ps- Thank you Unconcievably Blessed for helping me!!

Hope Sinks

For 2 weeks I have slowly fallen into hope.  The lack of aches, twinges, grumpiness, heavy, painful breasts that always rear its head before the big show in addition to  consistent high am temps let hope take over.  I was happy, my husband and I were getting along, laughing together…everything felt different this time.  It worked- I knew it had.  I just kind of,almost knew it. 

Then I tested- my chart said to. BFN. Maybe its too soon.  Lunchtime- BFN.  Called my RE- was told to keep using the progesterone, test again tomorrow.  BFN again…um where is that life preserver?  Dr’s office says stop progesterone…wait…see…call.  By the time I’m home from work, my lower back is twisting and I’m spotting.  wait…see… maybe it will stop.  Next am my temp is still up…hope! …wait..see….but as the day progresses those symptoms that alluded me the week prior come on strong…  Call and make appt to start all over again.  Back at home, I’m in tears…not from grief but pain.  Its overwhelming and a little frightening.  I haven’t hurt like this since the miscarriage 13 months ago- yes the cramps have been bad- ever since the M/C they have been bad- but this was gut wrenching, pillow biting, god I hope the neighbors don’t call 911 painful.  Even a prescription pain pill did not work much.  Sleep was not easy.  Temp upon waking…down..way down…hope sink,sank,sunk. I want to crawl under the covers and not come out- ever. But I can’t afford self pity- I have to go to work..no one will step in for me, I’m new there.  So how does one hold it together an entire day when all one wants to do is scream and hide under the desk? Don’t stop. Keep moving. Don’t think. Keep moving.  Breathe but not too deep. It will be 5 o’clock soon. 

And 5pm came and went. Now its 11pm. No tears no meltdown.  I pushed it aside- away- so I could get thru the day and now its out of reach… sink, sank, SUNK