Stabbystabby

Looks like there is no sleeping in this weekend.  Woke up early, as usual when DH feeds the furbabies but back to sleep I went, thinking I could get in a few more hours before church.  Oh think again.  The littlest furs decided to have play time- right next to the bed.   So I kick them out and shut the door.  Ahhh sleep….except the Snore Monster from Hell has once again taken hold of DH’s body.  Seriously??!!!  If I can’t have kids(literally) I should be allowed the peace of sleeping in.  Maybe its God’s way of making sure I’m up and getting ready to repent for my stabby stabby ways these past few weeks.  It’s not me, God- its the Femara, The Menopur, The Needles, The Stress, The Sadness…. ok maybe its a little me but those things bring the stabby stabby to the next level.

Yes stabby stabby is escalating.  Entering into the 14th month of living in the Land Of The Barren.  Not as long as many, I know. But any and every month suck for all. And in those 14 mos, over 10 people I know have announced babies soon to be (this does not includes the crackheads I deal with on a daily basis- they bring a whole other depth to this unfair depressing disease). At least 3 of those 10  I heard say (before babies) they never wanted kids.  Some weren’t even trying. Some aren’t even married.  2 were trying- they are unwilling passengers in the same boat I travel in.  One was hugely successful on her first round of IVF- twins!  So lucky.  Do I hate her? No!  She is fun, sharp witted and after her many hardships she has overcome in life, she deserves this happiness. Am I jealous? Hell to the Yeah! But I’m ok with that.  One was not.  Which perhaps is another reason for increased stabbystabby- I was so hopeful for her- so happy when she got her BFP!  She and her husband have been trying for so long and been thru so much heartbreak.  Her family and huge group of friends have been so supportive and pulling for her…it was time! She was PG- maybe I had hope too!!  But last week that went away- just disappeared.  We were in the Dr’s office at the same time..she left before we did.  When I got in the car, I hit my head somehow- it really didn’t hurt that much but enough that stabbystabby unleashed and I cursed and cried, under the guise of bumped head. 

I find it hard not to be stabbystabby when I have always said I wanted kids, I waited to be married to start a family, I have been trying (just look at my quickly depleting bank account)- charting, timed BD(ohsohot), specialists, acupuncture,therapy, organic foods, supplements, …analyzing every detail, going over all the possibilities – its exhausting.  All the while others are popping ’em out like it’s no big deal whether they wanted them or not- and sometimes its their 2nd, 3rd, 4th rodeo ride.  Time to get off the horse, missy!!

Before I go try my last option- alcohol and some form of illegal substance- (just kidding…maybe) I’m off to church.  Hopefully that will calm the stabbystabby, at least for the afternoon.

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