All day I’ve been wondering what’s so hard about Easter? Sure, theres an abundance of adorably dressed kids everywhere running around on a sugar high but thats not much different than a trip to Disney, the zoo or even Walmart (except maybe not the adorably dressed part) Its not celebrating parenthood, an upcoming birth or baptism. Its a day to celebrate the resurrection of Christ…and of course eat candy and collect decorated eggs. Whats the big deal? Mother Nature reminded me this afternoon when I went to use the restroom. Whats the big deal? Eggs. They are the big deal. And they’re everywhere..baskets full of ’em..pictures, ads, bunnies, kids with baskets full of EGGS. This realization smacks me in the face as I sit in the ladies room determined not to cry. Eggs are everywhere but here..inside me. Now I understand why a holiday full of eggs sucks. I guess dear ol Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor.
I have been lost this month..more so than usual. I manage to get up, go to work, come home, eat..but I feel like a zombie. I go thru the motions but all I want is to be at home hidden in my cocoon of blankets. Actually what I really want is to be at home cuddling a cute little baby. But that hasn’t happened..and it doesn’t look like it will..ever.
I think that is why the lost is worse this month. We have run out of (affordable) options. Previously I could keep a slim ray of hope- with every needle stick, poking, pushing,prodding there was hope, Every pill I swallowed or inserted, there was hope. Months and months of hope. Even when each cycle ended in BFN, there was still hope..in the form of more pills, more needles, more tests… it has been the normal routine..for almost the entire duration of our marriage. (Thats a scary realization.) This month is not normal. There are no pills, no needles, no invasive dr appointments, no hope. I have no direction..I want to cry and I can’t. Except when I can which seems to hit me in the most public places..church, the grocery store. My husband asks me what’s wrong- I can’t answer. It hurts too much. How can you speak your worst fear outloud? How can i ever be ok with it? I want normal..but a life without…is not normal for me. How do I fix it? Do I take out a loan? Go into debt seeking my normal? And if it doesn’t work..as the odds I’ve been presented seem to predict…what then? Big debt, no baby. Is it worth it? Should I? How in the h.e.l.l. do I move forward without my normal?