not normal

I have been lost this month..more so than usual.  I manage to get up, go to work, come home, eat..but I feel like a zombie.  I go thru the motions but all I want is to be at home hidden in my cocoon of blankets.  Actually what I really want is to be at home cuddling a cute little baby. But that hasn’t happened..and it doesn’t look like it will..ever. 

I think that is why the lost is worse this month.  We have run out of (affordable) options.  Previously I could keep a slim ray of hope- with every needle stick, poking, pushing,prodding there was hope, Every pill I swallowed  or inserted, there was hope.  Months and months of hope.  Even when each cycle ended in BFN, there was still the form of more pills, more needles, more tests… it has been the normal routine..for almost the entire duration of our marriage. (Thats a scary realization.) This month is not normal.  There are no pills, no needles, no invasive dr appointments, no hope.  I have no direction..I want to cry and I can’t. Except when I can which seems to hit me in the most public, the grocery store. My husband asks me what’s wrong- I can’t answer.  It hurts too much. How can you speak your worst fear outloud?  How can i ever be ok with it?  I want normal..but a life without…is not normal for me.  How do I fix it?  Do I take out a loan? Go into debt seeking my normal?   And if it doesn’t the odds I’ve been presented seem to predict…what then? Big debt, no baby.  Is it worth it? Should I?  How in the h.e.l.l.   do I move forward without my normal?

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