Fraud

I feel like a fraud.  For over a year and a half, I have been trying, hoping, praying for a baby.  I have been pregnant once my whole life..it happened 2 weeks after my wedding.  I had a miscarriage three weeks later.  We had only known for 5 days.  Since then, I have spent thousands of dollars on dr appointments, invasive treatments, tests, medications, accupuncture, supplements, books, therapy…I changed my shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotions to paraben free, all natural etc. I tried to eat more organically…anything that might help our miracle happen.

Nothing worked.  We couldn’t afford IVF but I was open to getting loans if it would work.  So I got a 2nd opinion…and  my answer.  No.  My age combined with my AMH levels took me out of the running.  He told me straight up I would be wasting my money.  While I appreciated his honesty, it is hard to hear that a genetic child was not in my future.  I am still grappling with it and whether or not I can move foward in our quest or be childless.  But that is a topic for another day. 

I have joined several support pages on FB- found some wonderful blogs by amazing,brave, funny women- all of which have made me feel less alone.  Everyone’s situation is unique and heartbreaking and together we find strength,understanding and love we haven’t been able to find elsewhere.  We are each others saving grace- we become friends with others who, if we were in  different circumstances, we might not have. 

The other night, in honor of NIAW, several of us got together for dinner- most of us meeting in person for the first time.  We all talked and shared our stories.  No one’s story was the same…everyone had varying reasons/events that had brought them to this table.  (one of which was a BAD doctor, so ladies please, if you are not comfortable, some inside voice tells you he’s wrong, you are being talked AT, not to, made to feel bad- LEAVE!!  Get a 2nd opinion!!) 

At some point during dinner, something started to nag at me.  I couldn’t figure it out..was I panicking that these women wouldn’t like me? Not really.  I looked at all the pretty young faces around me…BOOM.  Young..that was it.  I got home and felt like a freight train hit me.  I was a fraud.  I’m not infertile..I’m just old.  I waited too long and my window has slammed shut.

Am I angry? Yes.  Angry at myself for waiting for the right time, the right guy, waiting to be in a “good place” with a stable job and married.  Angry at the guy I dated years ago who accused me of trying to get pregnant to trap him (I wanted a baby but not without being married so no I’m not that type of person)  angry at my husband for not proposing earlier (he was gun shy from his first wife who did quite the number on him, including pretending to be PG and faking a miscarriage-which he didn’t realize till I had mine).  Angry at my doctors who never made me aware  when I was in my 30s that egg freezing was a possibility and a good idea!!!  Expensive yes, but compared to what IVF costs further down the road, not so much.

So here I sit, not even worthy of being infertile. I’m just stupid..and old.