lost at sea

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything.  There hasn’t been any fertility news to post- my life took a twisted turn in July and now I’m just trying to get back to “normal”. 

My friend and I were leaving a local restaurant, headed back to work when the toe of my beautiful, new red high heels caught the small gap in between sidewalk blocks and down I went. I don’t remember much except thinking “**** me!  How stupid I look tripping in front of my new friend”  Next thing I’m somehow on my back, right leg bent,up in the air and my friend is calling 911 and a kind stranger has put her purse under my head and is holding my hand.  I feel a lot of pain but I’m in public (and probably shock) so I’m trying to maintain some sense of decorum.  When I look at my knee, I want to throw up.  Its swollen and not where it should be.  Oh my god- its dislocated. That’s gonna hurt SO much when EMS get here and pop it back in!  Oh silly me- if only that had been it.  EMS show up and advised that it is definitely not dislocated.  Huh? So I get to take a fun ride to the ER.  After being there for an hour and half with no pain meds and taking it out on either my husband’s or friend’s hand (sometimes both), they give me a shot of something fabulous, leg finally goes straight and I’m wheeled to xray, which soon shows how much damage a landshark can do.  My kneecap isn’t just broken, it’s shattered! (Dr later referred to it as pulverized)



Cool huh? Who doesn’t want evil Pac Man in place of their patella? That’s a few days after the accident. My husband says the xray from the ER is even more impressive. My surgeon told me (after surgery) my knee is worst case he has seen in 10 plus years. It took him 19 tries to sew the salvageable pieces back together.
3 days post-op I’m sent home in a brace, no weight bearing allowed, no getting it wet, no bending etc.
(oh- quick aside, the week before the accident, I went for bloodwork to check my AMH because I’d decided if it was still low, I was done. Tuesday after the accident, 2 days before surgery, the nurse called. My AMH was up- higher than a year ago,higher than it’s ever been actually. Still not a great #, but up. So there’s a chance- some hope- except trying is so far out of the game plan now. Haha- how’s that for an ironic fuck you?)
Now what? My husband can’t stay at home with me- he owns his own business. Luckily we have a few friends who are teachers and since its summer, they are able to help a bit. Summer ends though. My sister in law came for a weekend in September so DH could stop and breathe which was great. But since then (with the exception of a home health aide that my MIL hired) we’ve been pretty much on our own. This accident has shown me who we (yes we, as in me and DH, because he needs support too) can count on- its been a sad realization. Or maybe my expectations are too high. DH tells me that they are. Oddly, one person who checks up on me more than others I would have thought, is my cousin’s mom. I haven’t seen her since I was 6 but I am grateful to have found her.

For the first 6 weeks post-op, there were no signs of bone growth. The next 2 weeks we used a bone stimulator and there was slight improvement, but still no weight bearing allowed. 2 weeks later more growth so PT is allowed. Except insurance balks, saying its too far past surgery, they won’t cover it. Dr. intervenes, they give the go ahead. The woman that comes out is….a terrorist. She thinks she can scare me into making my knee bend. Found a new guy, thanks to a friend and she goes byebye. I love my new therapist. He is calm, positive, kind and effective.
But the fact remains that my knee- the whole leg actually- has been immobile for over 2 months. Scar tissue, atrophy and basic fear have control and letting go is not easy. I need to learn to relax, let go so my muscles can heal and work again. But I don’t know how.

If I get better, when I get better, and that may be months (possibly months and months before I’m ‘up to snuff’) I may not have a job. It may be too late to try again. We will most likely be in debt- not the being in debt because we finally have a baby that I hoped for. That haunts me. It’s a pain that no surgery can heal. My world is full of whys, what ifs and whens. I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m mad. I’m unbelievably sad most days. Some nights I have dreams where I’m walking. I wake up and for a few seconds I forget. Then I wonder why it is I’m on the couch and the nightmare resumes.
I am trying..it is not easy. I am thankful for my pets. For my husband. I don’t know how to repay him. I am thankful for cupcakes and my friends that bring them.

3 thoughts on “lost at sea

  1. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I wish there was a cosmic Goggle that would tell us why things happen the way they do!! Why are others so fortunate (especially those who take it for granted) and yet you are handed this pile of crap to deal with? Again I am so sorry….praying that your knee heals but also that your heart heals!

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