just an angry rant

I stopped posting what I am grateful for everyday last week.  I don’t feel grateful…about anything.  I am full of anger,hurt and tears.  I hate everything and I radiate anger.  I am angry ay my husband all the time..is it his fault I’m not pregnant? No.  I don’t blame him.  I’m the one with faulty equipment.  I get that.  But hes here, in the way, trying to make me feel better and I can’t.  Theres no trying this cycle because the “important” day is on Christmas and my RE’s office is closedclosedclosed.  No point in flushing that $$$ down the drain… money his mom wont help with but has no qualms about asking every few days “do you know anything yet?”  BACK OFF BITCH- I so want to scream.  He won’t tell her to stop, that when/if and when we’re comfortable, we will share.  He thinks it is rude.  Rude?  I’ll show him rude.  After screaming forever, he finally called her and told her her constant questions were causing alot of stress and when we had something new to tell, we would.  There- was that so hard?  It is so frustrating that it feels like the only way he seems to take me seriously is when I SCREAM.  That makes me ANGRY

It is exhausting getting up every day, going to work and pretending I’m ok, that nothing is wrong.  Having to deal with these asshats who see nothing wrong with breaking the law, who live off honest peoples taxes and have babies to make money..and continue to use drugs while pregnant- ANGRY

My family has shut the door on me. Ten months ago my brother called me a passive agressive manipulative bitch and hung up on me.  No clue why- he would not and has not told me why.  My sister in law finally told my husband that it was because I had been angry at her after MY miscarriage. Which I was- she barely acknowledged what had happened..I was beyond hurt at the time. Its been discussed, its in the past and he remains mad. His son, my nephew, no longer returns my calls, texts,emails and I can only assume it is related. Neither of my brothers has ever asked if I was ok or expressed sympathy (the m/c was in Nov and he didnt stop talking to me until March)- so theres more ANGER
It consumes me. I can’t escape it. Anger is everywhere, in, on and around me.

A year later

I have tried to stay busy today- it has worked so far.  There have been no tears, no moments of complete despair. It has not been a  pull the blankets over my head and wish the world away day  I’m sure it will happen- but it can’t tomorrow. Tomorrow I start in a new office- same job- just a new place, closer to home.  It will save us (hopefully) a lot of money in gas.  Money we will (hopefully not) need to pay for fertility treatments.

A year ago tomorrow I lost one of few things I always wanted, the one thing I never doubted I would be- until a year ago.  We had only known maybe 5 days when I was awakened by horrible cramps- I could barely walk.  I didn’t know what to do, who to call.  I did not want to panic- thinking that would make it worse.  I woke my husband up and called my (then) drs office- they were not helpful “Lie down, take some tylenol, use a heating pad…call tomorrow if you are still bleeding”  Really?  I know its a Sunday but REALLY?  Eventually we went to Medac where the most wonderful, kind doctor took care of me and my husband.  He did not fix anything but he was kind and listened and treated us like people not a number to cash out. Monday afternoon (bc that was the ONLY time they could fit me in) we went to my drs office.  They did not call me back until Tuesday afternoon to confirm my fear- I had miscarried our dream.  My boss made me go home and told me to stay home as long as I needed.  It never occured to me that this might happen.  I have a crazy imagination and always jump to the worst possible outcome and this still did not occur to me.

So its a year later and there is no baby.  I am still standing- most days.  I have made a few new friends online who understand all the issues and emotions I am going thru because they are going thru it too.  Thank God for them.

Also thank God for my husband.  He doesn’t always understand the depth of my pain but he goes with me to my appointments, listens to the drs (because honestly sometimes my brain is too fried to comprehend) and holds me till I stop crying. He has taken the brunt of my anger and stayed strong because he knows that I am not angry at him- he knows that I am so sad, so heartbroken. This event has changed some relationships in my life but he holds me up and gets me thru it. He has been a rock- a stubborn, hard headed rock but my rock.  He is my family.  I chose him and he has stood by me thru this.  He has never made me feel less than or blamed me.  I have enough blame for myself. I hate myself for not being able to give him a child- he would be a GREAT dad and I feel I killed that dream for him..and myself. Now he has assumed the responsibility of giving me my shots for this new round of treatment.  It is a step or two beyond Clomid but not as invasive as IVF- it is all we can afford.  I don’t know what we will do next but it will be together.

Sarcasm and Smiles

Words are like swords
Especially when they attack from so close
Always waiting for an attack from beyond enemy lines,
you rarely expect the familiar dagger
It slices sweet and leaves deep wounds
If history was a lesson I learned well,
I’d have made my walls of iron and stone
Instead I have always lowered the gate, flown the white flag
I cover my scars with sarcasm and smiles
What covers yours, dear brother?