Death of a dream

How does one survive the death of a dream?  The death of something that never was…never will be. The hopes, the plans…gone.  I have lived thru the end of relation and friendships, the loss of beloved pets and the death of both my parents. I never thought anything would be harder to deal with than losing my parents but this….is almost impossible. 

When someone dies, it is sad- sometimes horribly so.  You will always miss that person. There will always be a empty space that no one can replace.  But you will move on- you have your memories, pictures and others who also knew them to reminisce with.  All this helps to get thru the grief and keep them alive in your heart.

The death of a dream is way more devastating- there are no memories, no pictures. Just hopes and plans that are no more.  What do you do with that list of names you’ve created and edited a million times over the years?  Roll it up and smoke it? Might as well..no fetus here to harm.  And there never will be. I only have myself to blame.  I waited too long…wasted too much time…not on myself but on those who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit…I waited and wasted my dream away. How do you move on, move thru, move past that necrotic stupidity?

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
-Langston Hughes

Fraud

I feel like a fraud.  For over a year and a half, I have been trying, hoping, praying for a baby.  I have been pregnant once my whole life..it happened 2 weeks after my wedding.  I had a miscarriage three weeks later.  We had only known for 5 days.  Since then, I have spent thousands of dollars on dr appointments, invasive treatments, tests, medications, accupuncture, supplements, books, therapy…I changed my shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lotions to paraben free, all natural etc. I tried to eat more organically…anything that might help our miracle happen.

Nothing worked.  We couldn’t afford IVF but I was open to getting loans if it would work.  So I got a 2nd opinion…and  my answer.  No.  My age combined with my AMH levels took me out of the running.  He told me straight up I would be wasting my money.  While I appreciated his honesty, it is hard to hear that a genetic child was not in my future.  I am still grappling with it and whether or not I can move foward in our quest or be childless.  But that is a topic for another day. 

I have joined several support pages on FB- found some wonderful blogs by amazing,brave, funny women- all of which have made me feel less alone.  Everyone’s situation is unique and heartbreaking and together we find strength,understanding and love we haven’t been able to find elsewhere.  We are each others saving grace- we become friends with others who, if we were in  different circumstances, we might not have. 

The other night, in honor of NIAW, several of us got together for dinner- most of us meeting in person for the first time.  We all talked and shared our stories.  No one’s story was the same…everyone had varying reasons/events that had brought them to this table.  (one of which was a BAD doctor, so ladies please, if you are not comfortable, some inside voice tells you he’s wrong, you are being talked AT, not to, made to feel bad- LEAVE!!  Get a 2nd opinion!!) 

At some point during dinner, something started to nag at me.  I couldn’t figure it out..was I panicking that these women wouldn’t like me? Not really.  I looked at all the pretty young faces around me…BOOM.  Young..that was it.  I got home and felt like a freight train hit me.  I was a fraud.  I’m not infertile..I’m just old.  I waited too long and my window has slammed shut.

Am I angry? Yes.  Angry at myself for waiting for the right time, the right guy, waiting to be in a “good place” with a stable job and married.  Angry at the guy I dated years ago who accused me of trying to get pregnant to trap him (I wanted a baby but not without being married so no I’m not that type of person)  angry at my husband for not proposing earlier (he was gun shy from his first wife who did quite the number on him, including pretending to be PG and faking a miscarriage-which he didn’t realize till I had mine).  Angry at my doctors who never made me aware  when I was in my 30s that egg freezing was a possibility and a good idea!!!  Expensive yes, but compared to what IVF costs further down the road, not so much.

So here I sit, not even worthy of being infertile. I’m just stupid..and old.

Stabbystabby

Looks like there is no sleeping in this weekend.  Woke up early, as usual when DH feeds the furbabies but back to sleep I went, thinking I could get in a few more hours before church.  Oh think again.  The littlest furs decided to have play time- right next to the bed.   So I kick them out and shut the door.  Ahhh sleep….except the Snore Monster from Hell has once again taken hold of DH’s body.  Seriously??!!!  If I can’t have kids(literally) I should be allowed the peace of sleeping in.  Maybe its God’s way of making sure I’m up and getting ready to repent for my stabby stabby ways these past few weeks.  It’s not me, God- its the Femara, The Menopur, The Needles, The Stress, The Sadness…. ok maybe its a little me but those things bring the stabby stabby to the next level.

Yes stabby stabby is escalating.  Entering into the 14th month of living in the Land Of The Barren.  Not as long as many, I know. But any and every month suck for all. And in those 14 mos, over 10 people I know have announced babies soon to be (this does not includes the crackheads I deal with on a daily basis- they bring a whole other depth to this unfair depressing disease). At least 3 of those 10  I heard say (before babies) they never wanted kids.  Some weren’t even trying. Some aren’t even married.  2 were trying- they are unwilling passengers in the same boat I travel in.  One was hugely successful on her first round of IVF- twins!  So lucky.  Do I hate her? No!  She is fun, sharp witted and after her many hardships she has overcome in life, she deserves this happiness. Am I jealous? Hell to the Yeah! But I’m ok with that.  One was not.  Which perhaps is another reason for increased stabbystabby- I was so hopeful for her- so happy when she got her BFP!  She and her husband have been trying for so long and been thru so much heartbreak.  Her family and huge group of friends have been so supportive and pulling for her…it was time! She was PG- maybe I had hope too!!  But last week that went away- just disappeared.  We were in the Dr’s office at the same time..she left before we did.  When I got in the car, I hit my head somehow- it really didn’t hurt that much but enough that stabbystabby unleashed and I cursed and cried, under the guise of bumped head. 

I find it hard not to be stabbystabby when I have always said I wanted kids, I waited to be married to start a family, I have been trying (just look at my quickly depleting bank account)- charting, timed BD(ohsohot), specialists, acupuncture,therapy, organic foods, supplements, …analyzing every detail, going over all the possibilities – its exhausting.  All the while others are popping ’em out like it’s no big deal whether they wanted them or not- and sometimes its their 2nd, 3rd, 4th rodeo ride.  Time to get off the horse, missy!!

Before I go try my last option- alcohol and some form of illegal substance- (just kidding…maybe) I’m off to church.  Hopefully that will calm the stabbystabby, at least for the afternoon.

My friend

I have a wonderful friend- who until today I’d never met in person.  I know her thru her blog and then FB.  Over the past few months we have texted and im’d several times a week- just to check in, see how the other is doing.  Yes, she is a fellow IF.  She has been struggling with it longer than I and has done several rounds of IVF/FET, which I haven’t.  She has been a great comfort to me.. she understands my angry humor or at least hasn’t shunned me because of it.  It is hard to find someone who understands and always listens, even a quick ohmygodineedtovent text while at work.  She is that person.  There are times when I think I must drive her crazy…I know she has given me more support than I have been able to give her. Support and understanding I will be forever grateful for.

Early on, we found out that we live within 30 mins of each other.  We even go to the same RE.  We have mourned the loss of our beloved Nurse Rainbows (she left the practice to be a stay at home mom) and complain about one certain person who works there (not the Dr)  But we have never met. Until today. 

We both had appointments scheduled this morning- 45 mins apart. They were there for an ultrasound- she had had a transfer a few weeks before and a BFP was the outcome!  Bloodwork showed rising levels so this was their next step.  Very exciting…and scary. We were there for another IUI.  Chances were slim she would still be there when we  arrived.  But as luck would have it, the office was slammed and she and her husband were still there.  The greeting was quick, we had to check in- there were others in front of us and once we could sit down, there weren’t even two chairs together.  Shortly after, they were called back.  She stood up, I smiled, and she pulled something out of her purse-” I have something for you” she said “in case you’re not still here when we get out” and handed me a magenta friendship bracelet.  (Magneta is the color for IF)  It was one the daughter of a friend of hers had made for her.  Awwww…I love it. After they went to the back, I moved to her chair. My husband looked at me quizzically.  I said “Shes pregnant- I’m taking in her baby dust”  The woman sitting next to my husband smiled. Our wait began. I tried to read my nook but concentration was not with me.  I tried to watch the tv but could not hear it very well- too much going on around me.  I looked up from my phone (yes addicted, thank you) at one point- maybe noise alerted me- to see my friend and her husband making a quick exit.  I looked at my husband and whispered ‘Was she crying?’ He nodded. My heart sank. I wanted to jump up and chase after her.  Give her a hug. Say I’m sorry- although I don’t think words can do much at that moment. Something, anything to help. But I did not want to invade their space- I don’t know her well enough to know if that would have been welcomed.  Instead I sat there and cried a little.  While waiting in the room,my husband and I talked more openly about her. He noted how tall she was- yes..and I am so short…we’ve joked that if we ever hung, we’d be very “Mutt and Jeff”  She is also very pretty. Her FB pictures don’t do her justice. 

This is a tribute to my friend.  A thank you for always listening.  A pledge that I will always be here to hear and listen to you. Many (cyber) hugs are being sent to you and your husband on this most difficult of days.  I pray that our futures are full of baby bottles,diapers, spitups and late nights that will consume our conversations and make us forget this pain!

Just one day

For just day I would like to not hear any pregnancy announcements, updates and shower news. I would like to not be inserted with anything- needles, speculum, catheter, ultrasound wand, suppositories and yes, my husband (sorry honey) I would like to not see any strollers, car seats, momies to be walking groups, baby food commercials- heck anything baby related commercial- (The only baby commercial that doesn’t make me want to cry, scream, tear my hair out is the E-trade baby) ultrasounds pictures, shower invitations, pink or blue bows on mailboxes of people I don’t even know. (and yes there are irrational moments where I wish I had a baseball bat for those mailboxes)

Is this a bit much? Perhaps. Do I need therapy? In it. But its how I feel right now. Back to back celeb baby news this morning has set me off (Seriously Maya Rudolph? Baby #4???) I know its not an intentional NA NA look what I can do, while you sit there all barren like. But damn if it doesn’t feel that way. But I guess someone has to make up for what we infertiles can’t contribute.

Have babies and pregnant women always been everywhere? I don’t remember seeing them every 5 seconds before. There are days, today being one them, where I wish I lived in a barren town- no kids, just adults, having adult conversations that don’t involve anything child related. Nothing to remind me of what my body can’t do.

I mean seriously, who wants to live their whole life for their kids? Bragging about their first steps, first words, first pair of REAL shoes, first day of school, the lead role they got in the school play or that last minute goal that won the game? Who wants to sit up at night worried when they are out in the car, alone, for the first time? Or at the first co-ed party? Or on a date? Who wants to worry about how the hell to pay for college? Or worry once they are at college? Or once they are out of college? And how to pay for a wedding? Didn’t you just finish paying off your own?! Who wants that first moment when they hand you their first child- your grandchild? A whole new mess of things to worry about. Thats a whole lot of stuff to be caught up in..who wants that??

I do.

Hiccups

Several of the IF blogs I follow have posts about how plans have gone awry.  I guess its my turn for the hiccup.  You would think with all the medical advancements, all the drugs we infertiles take, the weekly appointments, the temping, the charting,the testing- our bodies should be under control..medically speaking.  But no- hiccups happen.  Best laid plans…HA! 

I’m on CD11- scheduled for U/S tomorrow am to see how the follies are doing and to schedule our IUI (again)   This afternoon I tested for LH surge- just to check- really expected nothing- its only CD11.  I don’t usually have surge till CD12.  But not this cycle- big fat smiley face staring up at me.  Whats the big deal?  Well, its Sunday!!  In the afternoon!!  No one is in the office at this hour and no # to call on the voicemail.
I leave messages on both#s and email my RE…but will he check it?  PANIC!!  We don’t have any of necessary items needed at home for collection. (DH does not do well at the office)  Should my husband give me the trigger shot?  Do I take the last dose of menopur?  PANIC!!  I text a friend who sees the same RE and she advised to call the hospital and ask for whoever is on call for his department. Smart woman!  Panic would not have let me figure that out.  I do..they take message..his partner calls me within 30mins.  I’m a little annoyed that I have to go thru details- shouldn’t she know who I am? Didn’t she look up my info before calling? Yes, I’m a wee self involved at the moment.  All I can see is all the money we spent, yet again, being flushed away because my body isn’t working on the right calendar.  She tells me not to do trigger shot, yes to the menopur.  Call in the morning to set up appointment in the main office- they will do an U/S first to measure the follies, then IUI will be after.  My poor DH is going to have to do “the deed” at the office (main office is a good 40min drive and we don’t have the overnight solution that has been so helpful in the past) PANIC!!  She says I can go in the room with him- whatever he needs to be comfortable..um…joy? 

I won’t know till tomorrow- after I’m at work- as to what time this will occur.  Some articles I’ve read say IUI should be at least 22 hours after the surge(so that would be 1pm for me)..so what if they schedule it for the morning? Will that be too soon? PANIC!!  Now I wonder if my previous ones have been poorly timed.  One U/S a few months ago, he scheduled the IUI for a few days after- would have been CD16. I mentioned that may be too late- I always, always have lh surge cd12/13.. he advised me to monitor and call if something changed before procedure. Sure enough…hello LH.  I called, he set up IUI for the next day.  But that time he said TO take the trigger shot. ????? 

I hate hiccups..as a baby I got them very easily and it took hours for them to go away.  My mom would ask people to please not make the baby laugh.  I guess I shouldn’t have laughed today!!

ps- Thank you Unconcievably Blessed for helping me!!

What is a Liebster?

It’s an award given to new/up and coming bloggers..my friend, Unconceivably Blessed,(at blogspot) was nominated today!  YAY!!  She’s awesome. She is blatantly honest, full of love and hope and if you’re on this IF journey, you’ve met a kindred spirit! 

It seems being nominated, comes with rules:

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about
themselves.
2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has
asked.
3) Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own
to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.
4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200
followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5) Bloggers must be notified of their award!
6) No tag backs
and…she linked me!!!  Awww….  I only do this to vent (my husband can only take so much 🙂 )  But I’m game, so here goes. 

11 things about me:

 1.  I’m a probation officer…and I hate my job!

  2. I’ve known my husband over 20 years- we’ve been together for 3, married for a little over 1 year

  3.  I love animals- probably more than most people

  4.  I’m discovering that eating healthy doesn’t taste as bad as I thought

 
5. I’m a huge snoop

6. I’m adopted- my mother was told after her first child, she wouldn’t have any more so they “got me” ..6 mos later she was pregnant with my younger brother

7. I have never truly felt like I fit in

8. I am not a fan of sports- but I do like to watch ice skating and gymnastics

9. I LOVE theater

10. I love books!! Trying to adjust to my Nook..

11. I think music is a life requirement

Unconceivably Blessed’s questions:
What is your favorite color? I love
to wear red…I LOVE all things pink..and I find blue calming
What first attracted you to your significant other? He accepted me for me-flaws and all
Mountains or beach? Beach- of the laid back, non touristy kind
What is your comfort food? Chocolate
Who do you depend on the most? my husband
What is your favorite season of the year? Fall
What is your favorite vacation spot? Relaxed beachy spot
Do you have any hobbies? Reading, pinterest, napping
Who is your favorite celebrity? There are many I admire..I love Gwyneth Paltrow
Droid,iPhone or neither? Droid
What is your favorite restaurant? The Melting Pot

Questions for my nominees:
What is your favorite movie?
Who is your favorite band/artist?
Iced or hot tea?
City or country?
Where do you want to visit?(somewhere you’ve never been)
Sleep in or go to bed early?
DVD or Blu-ray?
Cake or Pie?
What is your happiest memory?
Did you have braces?
What is your favorite book?

And my nominees are…drumroll please…

The Stork Diaries, Waiting to Expand, Submerged, Ill Not Crazy, Just Another Infertility Blog and Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen





Yes, I know thats only 6…there are others I love (I Want A Dumpster Baby) but she has like a zillion followers, therefore not an option!

Okay- it’s your turn!

scared to hope

Today has been…I can’t say it…it’s scary to say the g word because that leads to hope which has inevitably lead to heartache. But still…that spark was ignited this morning in a fuzzy black and white image on a computer screen and a genuine smile on my Dr’s face. “Well look at that…” He counted…and the count was higher than any other time- than I ever dreamed would happen- and he was smiling..which made me cry..happy tears while this smile creeped across my face. I can’t remember the last true smile I had.

My heart wants to sing from rooftops..its a small triumph..not the big prize..but a triumph none the less and I want someone to be happy with me. I will tell my husband after the IUI..he will be happy but if I tell him now I’m afraid he will feel more pressure than usual, knowing the odds are better this time. And pressure is not helpful for his task at hand. (unintended pun)

My head is telling me not to hope, not to share because hope, for me, nosedives on CD28. And after seeing my Dr smile that big and feeling it spread across my face, knowing there are that many chances, for not one to come to fruition will slay me.

I am scared to hope….

just an angry rant

I stopped posting what I am grateful for everyday last week.  I don’t feel grateful…about anything.  I am full of anger,hurt and tears.  I hate everything and I radiate anger.  I am angry ay my husband all the time..is it his fault I’m not pregnant? No.  I don’t blame him.  I’m the one with faulty equipment.  I get that.  But hes here, in the way, trying to make me feel better and I can’t.  Theres no trying this cycle because the “important” day is on Christmas and my RE’s office is closedclosedclosed.  No point in flushing that $$$ down the drain… money his mom wont help with but has no qualms about asking every few days “do you know anything yet?”  BACK OFF BITCH- I so want to scream.  He won’t tell her to stop, that when/if and when we’re comfortable, we will share.  He thinks it is rude.  Rude?  I’ll show him rude.  After screaming forever, he finally called her and told her her constant questions were causing alot of stress and when we had something new to tell, we would.  There- was that so hard?  It is so frustrating that it feels like the only way he seems to take me seriously is when I SCREAM.  That makes me ANGRY

It is exhausting getting up every day, going to work and pretending I’m ok, that nothing is wrong.  Having to deal with these asshats who see nothing wrong with breaking the law, who live off honest peoples taxes and have babies to make money..and continue to use drugs while pregnant- ANGRY

My family has shut the door on me. Ten months ago my brother called me a passive agressive manipulative bitch and hung up on me.  No clue why- he would not and has not told me why.  My sister in law finally told my husband that it was because I had been angry at her after MY miscarriage. Which I was- she barely acknowledged what had happened..I was beyond hurt at the time. Its been discussed, its in the past and he remains mad. His son, my nephew, no longer returns my calls, texts,emails and I can only assume it is related. Neither of my brothers has ever asked if I was ok or expressed sympathy (the m/c was in Nov and he didnt stop talking to me until March)- so theres more ANGER
It consumes me. I can’t escape it. Anger is everywhere, in, on and around me.

My digital woobie

Temping is what I live by now.  It is the first thing I do when I wake up and it decides how my day will go.  If its up, I’m up..if it stays up, I remain hopeful.  The thermometer is my BFF! On those days, I hold it up high and sing its praises.  When it goes down, I spiral down with it.  I try  bargaining with it- I promise to keep you safer, so the cats won’t find you.  Give you a softer pillow to hide under.  Just please go back up. Please!!!

Do I really think this piece of digital plastic has magical powers? No.  Logically I know it is plastic and can’t change my future.  But it gives me hope…until that fateful morning when it takes it away.  And for the past 8 mos it has taken it away me.  I’m hoping this month is different.  Waiting sucks.  But right now I have my BFF, its my ‘woobie’.  I rely on it.  Want my thermometer?  You’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands!!