For 2 weeks I have slowly fallen into hope. The lack of aches, twinges, grumpiness, heavy, painful breasts that always rear its head before the big show in addition to consistent high am temps let hope take over. I was happy, my husband and I were getting along, laughing together…everything felt different this time. It worked- I knew it had. I just kind of,almost knew it.
Then I tested- my chart said to. BFN. Maybe its too soon. Lunchtime- BFN. Called my RE- was told to keep using the progesterone, test again tomorrow. BFN again…um where is that life preserver? Dr’s office says stop progesterone…wait…see…call. By the time I’m home from work, my lower back is twisting and I’m spotting. wait…see… maybe it will stop. Next am my temp is still up…hope! …wait..see….but as the day progresses those symptoms that alluded me the week prior come on strong… Call and make appt to start all over again. Back at home, I’m in tears…not from grief but pain. Its overwhelming and a little frightening. I haven’t hurt like this since the miscarriage 13 months ago- yes the cramps have been bad- ever since the M/C they have been bad- but this was gut wrenching, pillow biting, god I hope the neighbors don’t call 911 painful. Even a prescription pain pill did not work much. Sleep was not easy. Temp upon waking…down..way down…hope sink,sank,sunk. I want to crawl under the covers and not come out- ever. But I can’t afford self pity- I have to go to work..no one will step in for me, I’m new there. So how does one hold it together an entire day when all one wants to do is scream and hide under the desk? Don’t stop. Keep moving. Don’t think. Keep moving. Breathe but not too deep. It will be 5 o’clock soon.
And 5pm came and went. Now its 11pm. No tears no meltdown. I pushed it aside- away- so I could get thru the day and now its out of reach… sink, sank, SUNK